How to Deliver Tragic News to Loved Ones

My mom died in a car accident on November 13th, 1997. As horrific as this day was for our entire family, I made it worse for my brother by delivering the news in an awful way.

At the time, my brother and I were attending the University of Oklahoma and our mother had moved to Houston, Texas earlier that year. This was the first time in our lives that the three of us did not live in the same city.

Proximity plays a critical role in how news travels. Because she had just moved to Houston her emergency contacts were my aunt and uncle, so the authorities first contacted them. And so my uncle was charged with the task of delivering the news of her death to us, or more specifically, to me.

I will never forget his approach and his words, and my subsequent failure to use his approach and his words when delivering the news to my brother.

First, he called and said he would be in Norman (where the University of Oklahoma is located) and was coming by for a visit. This is important because he made sure that he would be able to tell me the news in person. I had no idea that his trip to Norman was specifically to deliver that news. Had he said “I’m coming to Norman to talk to you”, I would’ve immediately known something was wrong.

He told me to be ready to go grab a bite when he arrived. He wanted to get me out of the house, away from my roommates and constant traffic of friends coming and going.

He essentially created a perfect environment for delivering the news face to face, the privacy of his Jeep Cherokee. Once I got into his car and we were on the road the following conversation ensued:

Uncle: Do you consider yourself a strong person?

Me: Obviously.

Uncle: So what do you think is the worst thing that could happen in your life right now, and how would you react to it?

I took a moment to think about it.

Me: The worst thing? If I were to go to prison, and I’m not sure how I would react, but I would do everything in my power to prevent it.

Uncle: Well something has happened that is going to require tremendous strength from you. You will have to be strong not just for yourself, but for the entire family, do you think you can handle it?

Me: Yes. What happened?

Uncle: There has been a terrible accident. (pause) Your mother died in a car crash this morning.

After he gave me the details, the subsequent conversation was about the rest of the family and how they would react, especially my grandparents who happened to be in the United States, visiting from Iran. He told me that I would have to be the strong one and carry the family on my shoulders.

Whether it was true or not did not matter,
it is what I needed to hear in that moment.

I remember that I didn’t cry. I spent the rest of the day trying to find my brother. He is super ambitious and always busy, then and now. At the time he was a pre-med student and working two jobs, one in a hospital and the other at the university. I had no clue where he was.

As the day wore on, I grew more and more frustrated with not being able to find him, which contributed to my demeanor when I finally did find him. He called me late that night, around 10 pm, from the university library.

I told him I was coming to get him immediately. He wanted to know why and said that he couldn’t leave the library because he had a major test coming up. I said it was serious and I would fill him in when I got there. Unlike my uncle, I placed a lot of stress on him by acknowledging the bad news over the phone, but not delivering it.

A different uncle drove me to the library. When my brother got in the back seat he was noticeably angry and concerned. He demanded to know what was going on.

Me: Mom is dead.

Brother: WHAT?

Me: Mom was involved in a car accident this morning that killed her.

My brother immediately wailed and broke into tears. He began punching the back of my chair in anger. His grief was palpable. At the time, I did not understand why his reaction was so much worse than mine. Now it is easy to see that his reaction was my fault. I regret the way in which I delivered this tragic news to my brother.

That day was a completely different day for me than it was for my brother, and to an extent, so were the following months and years. I’m not saying that I’m stronger or weaker than him. I believe that my grief on that first day was mitigated and controlled because of my uncle. He set the tone for how I was to deal with her death for the rest of my life.

Although I failed my brother, I’m passing on my uncle’s method of delivery to you so that in some corner of your mind, you can be somewhat prepared when the inevitable happens.

How to Deliver Tragic News
to Loved Ones:

1 — Arrange a Face-to-Face Without Hinting at Tragedy

It causes tremendous undue stress to hint at tragic news but not actually deliver the news. Don’t let their imagination run wild as they wait for the meeting.

2 — Control the Environment

The environment must be private and quiet. No public places, no crowds and no noise. They should be able to grieve openly and extensively.

3 — Help Build Their Strength

Once you are face to face, begin conversation by talking about strength and overcoming adversity. Simply ask: Do you consider yourself a strong person? Most people will answer yes. That answer commits them to follow through and actually be strong when the news is delivered immediately thereafter.

Keep in my you need a contingency plan if they happen to say no.

4 —Mitigate the Grief

Introduce the tragedy without specifying it. Before telling them the terrible news, let them know that you have terrible news. Give them a moment to mentally prepare to receive the news.

That single moment may mitigate a ton of grief.

5 — Choose Your Words Carefully

“Mom is dead” is probably the worst choice of words for that moment.

If I had to do it all over again, I would deliver the news to my brother exactly as my uncle delivered it to me:

Do you consider yourself a strong person?

What is the worst thing that can happen in your life right now and how would you react to it?

Well something has happened that will require tremendous strength. You will have to be strong, not just for yourself but for the entire family. Do you think you can handle it?

There has been a terrible accident.

Mom died in a car crash this morning.

Nearly two decades have passed since her death and still the guilt remains for the way I delivered the news to my brother that day. His reaction to my words is engraved on my memory. In that moment, I lost sight of what matters most: empathy.

When we are overwhelmed with grief we often forgo empathy.
Ironically, by doing so we cause more grief.

Although I cannot undo the additional suffering I caused my brother, I wrote this post hoping that one day it prevents someone from making the same mistake I made in that crucial moment.

This piece is dedicated to my uncle Ahmad Farnia,
to my brother Farbod Farnia,
and to the loving memory of our mom.